How I Lost My Soul To Porn… And Got It Back

See how Lost My Soul To Porn What started as curiosity led me down a dark path, but I found freedom from an unlikely place.

Curious Lost My Soul To Porn.
I watched from the window in our living room that faced the driveway as each of my parents pulled out and headed to work.

Lost My Soul To Porn: The school was out for the summer, so I cut grass for several businesses during the week. But I kept my own schedule, so I practically built procrastination into the job. Instead of getting dressed and going to work, I lingered.

It all started innocently enough. I would do little things like steal the lady’s underwear ads from the mail before my mom saw them.

But it wasn’t long before I discovered online porn. The internet, I found out, had much better pictures than the junk mail ads from JC Penny’s. I could type almost anything I wanted to see and find it. My wildest and weirdest fantasies came true with a few simple keystrokes.

I didn’t know what I was doing or why those images made me feel the way they did. I was a sheltered and clueless kid after all. All I knew was that I liked what I saw and how the images made me feel. Lost My Soul To Porn

But those curious moments were now years past. As soon as my parents’ cars were out of sight, I hurried to the desktop in the living room and opened a web browser.

Stuck.

Porn was awesome. And it stayed awesome for a long time. In the beginning, it felt like I had uncovered a buried treasure — both on the internet and within myself. Lost My Soul To Porn

I‘d never experienced the ecstasy that came with porn from anything else. But over time, I noticed a shift.

The things that used to turn me on didn’t work anymore. I needed more. My Google searches became darker. I would find stuff that would turn me on and gross me out at the same time.

There seemed to be almost no boundary I wasn’t willing to cross with my porn fantasies. The thoughts that would come to my mind when I was looking for porn were things I would have been disgusted by just a few hours before. I became a different person when I was looking at porn.

I’d become addicted, yet didn’t know that. Or maybe I knew I was an addict but didn’t care.

Porn stopped being something fun I could just walk away from whenever I wanted. Instead, it became a prison. I was no longer watching porn because I wanted to. I watched because I had to.

And soon, my addiction haunted me at all hours.

How I Lost My Soul To Porn: Porn wouldn’t let me sleep. I would wake up at 4am almost every night and turn on the TV in my bedroom to HBO. I would enter the parental control code that my parents thought I didn’t know and watch pornos for an hour until I got tired again.

Alone.

In some ways porn seems innocent. After all, isn’t it a way to enjoy my sexuality? As long as it hurts no one else, what’s the big deal, right?

That’s what I told myself, and what most of us tell ourselves.

I tried to convince myself porn was — at worst — an isolated problem that didn’t affect the rest of my life. In reality, porn made me do things that, even now when I look back, I can’t believe I did.

I’m appalled when I think about the girls I manipulated, the lies I told, and the secrets I kept. Porn made me see women differently. Every girl I encountered was a challenge, a means to an end, a quest, or anything other than a real human being. Women became objects to fulfill my fantasy.

Even when I thought I quit porn, the saga wasn’t over. I’ve been “porn-free” for over 10 years, but those images still come back from time to time. Will they always haunt me? I don’t know.

The haunting images aren’t the worst part, however. The worst effect was the shame I felt.

Shame has a way of making you believe you’re the only one with problems. It isolates you from those who love you and makes you feel alone. No matter how many people you surround yourself with and are eager to help, the shame creeps in.

What I hated most about watching porn was myself. I felt alone — I felt like there was no one I could talk to.

Free.

If you’re waiting for the grand reveal where I tell you “Here’s how I kicked the habit once and for all, and you can too!” I’m sorry to disappoint you. That’s not what this story is about. Lost My Soul To Porn

Different tactics work for different people, and what helped me may not help you. But I’ve learned that there’s something far more important than being porn-free — the freedom that comes from being known.

The title of this post is, “How I lost my soul to porn… and got it back.” I didn’t get my soul back by quitting porn. Nor did I lose it by watching porn. I lost my soul to porn the day I let porn isolate me and pull me into the dark with secrets and shame. But that’s also the same way I found myself again.

I can give you plenty of tips for quitting porn (I’ve shared five of them here: Lost My Soul To Porn). Some of them may help, others may not. But as I said, this isn’t about how to quit porn. Freedom from an addiction is an entirely different thing.

Freedom isn’t about breaking habits or starting new ones. Freedom begins by sharing your secrets and shame with others. I’m talking about finding real friends (and mentors) you can share all your dark shit with. People who don’t judge you for failing, but who love you, hold you accountable, and expect growth even as you stumble.

I’m glad I haven’t watched porn in a long time, but much more than that, I’m glad I have the freedom to be real, seen, and known. I have the freedom to be real with my friends and invite them into the messy areas of my life.

And that’s what real freedom is — no secrets, no judgement.

When you’re fully known by someone who loves and believes you can grow, porn loses some of its grips. Even when you fail to kick habits, there’s no shame or fear because the people that love you already know.

The only way you can lose — and continue to lose — is when you hide and the monster grows. Feed your community. Or feed the monster. One leads to change…

And the other to freedom.

Lost My Soul To Porn = https://blog.heartsupport.com/how-i-lost-my-soul-to-porn-and-got-it-back-be00eaad4cb

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